Diary of Kali Al'Akani Redgard

Diary extracts of Kali Al'Akani Redgard

...I’m getting quite good at writing Samira says. She said I should practice every day. One day I’ll be a lady married to a Sharif, and I must learn much of how to be a good wife. My sister Khulan has been showing me how to....

...I heard that I have been matched with a suitable husband. So soon? I don't feel ready. What If I can't make him happy? I feel too young. I must leave everything behind. He lives far away across an ocean. He’s Dornish, I’ve never heard of anyone here marrying a Dorn...

…Its not so bad at sea though. Even if Samira has spent most of the time puking over the side of the boat. I do hope she feels better soon, she’s my real teacher. The others can't teach as well as her…

...its a long journey but not long enough. Samira still has so much to teach me, what if I’m not good enough for him?...

… It went terribly. I knew I’d mess things up. But what did I do wrong? Everything seems so different here. He was so tall and intimidating, his hair was the colour of fire. I must have looked so small and stupid. He just looked at me with a sullen glance, then walked away…

...Maybe this beautiful dress will give him something to smile at. After the fitting I saw how I looked and it's given me confidence to try again. I will be his beautiful bride and we can start our lives together....

… But his face. Not once did he smile. Am I that disappointing to him? At the end of our vows he had to get down on his knee to kiss me. He looked embarrassed as he did. Is what people back at the palace whispered right? Is it wrong for a Dornish man to marry a Sarcosan? Will Fergus ever accept me?...

...Its just Samira left with me now. The others have all gone back home. Samira is nice to me, but she’s my teacher not a friend. I’m so alone. I’m told Fergus is leaving already to travel the realm. Why am I not going, I thought we’d be spending some time together? His sisters are my age, but they are so much taller and stronger. They wear men's armour and fight with a sword...

...Fergus came back, but it was just another chance for me to show him how much a of a little girl I still was. We were sat together at the feast. I couldn't read his face but at least he didn't look disappointed at me. But his sisters. They shared some Mead with me. I wanted to be part of their fun. Samira told me women don't drink it, I see why now. I embarrassed myself throwing up for the remainder of the night...

...I haven't written in a while. I think Samira has taught me all she knows by now. I don't know how many seasons have passed. It's always winter here as far as I can tell...

… We’ve moved. They said I’m old enough to go and live with Fergus now. His estate is smaller than in Cale. But I like it. The servants here say Fergus will return in a few months...

… He came back. I feel like his wife finally. We ate. We actually talked for longer than ever before. I think he got quite drunk. Eventually he took me to bed as a wife, afterwards he fell asleep next to me. It felt so nice...

… Its not every night but more often than not he’s with me. This is what I’ve wanted. We’re together as we should have been years ago. I threw up this morning, I’m glad he didn't see. I don't want him thinking me weak again...

… My belly is growing so quickly now. Fergus seems to like it though, he spends every night with me, just holding me. I was being fitted for yet another new dress today and Fergus walked in. For the first time I noticed him looking at me with a genuine smile….

… We have a boy.  I’m a mother.  Together we’ll watch him grow up. Maybe have more children. It's taken so long but I’m finally home. My Home...

… Fergus came to me after visiting the capital. He was drunk, In a way I've not ever seen. But worse, he was crying. Through his tears he told me they are going to take Ethan to live at Erenhead. Why would they do this? I was happy. We were happy....

...Since Ethan left, Fergus’s stays at the estate have lessened. He said he had to go fulfill his duty. But there is no war! What duty could he possibly have that pulls him away from me? I’m feeling like the little girl that has failed her husband once more...

… I had Samira get me a Sarcosan-bred horse. Not many in Dorn ride much so it's a chance to be alone. Not that Fergus is ever with me anyway. But riding through the countryside comforts me. I often ride south to the hills that give a glimpse of the sea that separates me from my son. How is he?...

… We’re going to a summit in Erenhead. I’ll see Ethan again. It's been so long. Will I even recognise him? Fergus will be staying in the same guest suite as me. Even if it's just for a week or two maybe I can pretend things are back to how they were before...